If I Could Change The World: Thongs, Bacon and Checkout Lines

If we were each given a magic wand that could end social problems, we would all probably wish for the same things. Poof! No more war, hunger, suffering and abuse. Poof! Good-bye global warming. Poof! Hasta la vista loneliness. Suddenly, every child would have a best friend and live in a loving home. Terrorism would be equated to Small Pox – a scary, deadly thing that had thankfully been eradicated. All at once, the world would be a friendlier, happier, more peaceful place.

Once those larger issues were taken care of, perhaps we could use those wands to fix smaller problems. The wand would still have to help society at large, mind you. You couldn’t swish your wand and expect to win millions of dollars and for your kids to suddenly sleep through the night.

After some thought, I decided the first thing I would wish for would be that bakers suddenly realize no one eats the end of the bread that sticks out of the paper sleeve. All loaves of bread would come completely wrapped so people would be able to enjoy every inch of bread without worrying about what the exposed piece had touched.

Second, thong underwear would be recognized as the torture devices they are and would be banned. After the massive thong recall and subsequent burning, I would wave my wand around and every shopper who uses the self-check out line would receive a significant percentage off their order (since they’re doing all the work).

Next, bacon would be considered heart healthy. Then, phone trees would be obliterated. The next time you call your bank or health insurance company, an actual living person would answer the phone. While we’re on the topic of phones, I may as well get rid of all telemarketer calls. Let’s make the National Do Not Call List actually work. Poof! (You’re welcome.)

While not an everyday occurrence, door-to-door solicitations can be really intrusive. Now, instead of selling new windows, vacuums, or cookies, the people who ring your doorbell with the intention of selling something would suddenly be brandishing a bouquet of flowers. That’s right. All door-to-door solicitors would all at once turn into flower delivery people.

Before my wand runs out of wishes (all good things must come to an end – including magic), the very last small thing I would change would be that milk would never expire. No more sniffing the carton and wondering if milk always smelled that way. Pouring sour milk into a cereal bowl and realizing it had gone bad after that horrifying first taste would never happen again. Last minute runs to the grocery store for a fresh carton of milk would be a thing of the past.

Perhaps other people would use their wands to wish away high gas prices or obnoxious drivers. Maybe someone would wish mosquitoes to become extinct, and teenagers to offer to babysit for free. After all, the little things in life are often the big things.


25 thoughts on “If I Could Change The World: Thongs, Bacon and Checkout Lines

  1. Lets rid ourselves of self-serving politicians, and printers which run out of ink too soon.

    Kids swearing in the streets, and lotto results which don’t match my ticket should be sorted.

    Weeds in the garden, and Editors who don’t like cartoons in their publications are high on the list.

    Greedy business people, and computers which crash are enough to drive one to drink.

    Thank you underground writer. This wand list is a great idea for the creative mind.




  2. Oh my, I don’t have time and my wand is HUGE….but I’ve always said that I wanna go back to Little House on the Prairie days..when life was much simpler. To our young today, it would be deemed unbearably hard work – but to me, it would be a breeze. I crave quiet some days, love the old typerwriter versus the unfriendly parts of the computer that I haven’t learned. I don’t have enough hours in the day to learn all the features on my smart phone and I really could care less about makeup and getting my hair and nails done. Nuff said

    • While I LOVED the Little House on the Prairie books and TV show – I have to say I could never live back then. I enjoy indoor plumbing, antibiotics, washing machines, and not having to slaughter my own food way too much! 😉

  3. I would take that wand and wish for a thousand more wands! I would use mine to make the second Sunday of every month Moms Day. A day where Moms can be free of all responsibility and do whatever they want.

  4. I would wish my cat would stay a kitten. Go ahead laugh, all the big stuff has already been sorted soooo…puppies stay puppies. But trained not to chew up my new eyeglasses. Also that high heel shoes, all of them, were as comfortable as tennis shoes.

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