Real Sex Wouldn’t Sell

Sex sells. If you truly doubt this, just look at the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon. While I have never read any of the 50 Shades books, I have heard the trilogy being referred to as porn in print, and the plot is as riveting as a Pat The Bunny board book. Yet, it has sold over 70 million copies worldwide. 70 million.

Perhaps one of the reasons sex sells is because the scenes in books are so outrageously unrealistic. Let’s make them real for a moment:

Diane lit the scented candles and smoothed the satin sheets on her bed. Her husband entered the room and drew her in his arms. At that moment, the doorbell rang. His parents had decided to pop in for a visit.

While driving home from the restaurant, Andy reached over and squeezed Connie’s knee and gave her a knowing look. “Not tonight,” she said, “That linguine didn’t sit well with my stomach.”

“I’m ovulating!” Jessica sang as she waived the Clearblue Easy Ovulation Detector stick in the air. “Drop those boxer shorts and lets get busy,” She ordered her husband, “We have exactly 20 minutes before I have to leave for my dentist appoinment.”

Jennifer opened the front door to welcome Chris home from work.  As she stood there, Chris noticed their baby’s dried spit-up on her shoulder and that once again, she had been too tired to shower. Nevertheless, he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her in for a kiss.  As their lips touched, Jennifer could tell that Chris had eaten sausage and peppers for lunch. 

Sade played softly on the stereo. Ted lowered the blinds and turned to welcome his wife into his arms.  At that moment they heard their lawn guy weed-wacking underneath their bedroom window.

 The little black dress hugged her in all the right places. When Kevin saw her, his eyes widened. She looked stunning. He ran his eyes slowly down her frame before stopping at her feet – they were clad in black flats. “My mom has the same shoes,” Kevin said flatly.

The couple embraced in the solitude of their bedroom. Just then, a little voice emanated from the other room. “Mommy? Daddy?” The voice said, “I can’t sleep. And I’m thirsty. Can you get me some water?”

Michael dug furiously through his sock drawer. Where were the prophylaxis? He could have sworn he had stuck them here last time. “I guess you’re out of luck,” Anne said as she slipped her nightgown back over her head, “I need a fourth child like I need a hole in the head.”

Sound more like it? A few of the titles would be: 50 Shades of Dirty SocksMaybe Tomorrow Night (If We’re Not Too Tired), Lots of Sex And Still No Baby, Burning Hot With The Flu (So Don’t Even Think About It), and Once Upon A Time (Then We Had Children). Total sales expected to exceed no more than 10 copies.

25 thoughts on “Real Sex Wouldn’t Sell

  1. Prophilaxis? I haven’t heard that word since the 5th grade boys were ushered into the library film room to watch a certain birds & bees slideshow. Besides, all the lotions and toys and such belong in the nightstand, along with the baseball card collection, extra speaker wire and the cigar box full of rolled pennies. 😉

    Good stuff, Megan, as usual.

    • Make that “total sales expected to exceed no more than 11 copies.”

      I was once a bridesmaid in a wedding and I bought these glittery shoes to go with the dress. As we were waiting to walk down the aisle, one of the other bridesmaids looked down at my feet and said, “Oh my God! My grandmother is wearing the SAME EXACT SHOES.”

      Needless to say – after the wedding – those glittery bad boys went straight to Goodwill.

  2. Funny cause its true! I started reading 50Shades, my god it took until page 178 or something before anyone saw any action, and it was just really quite dull I thought. Still 70 million copies she must be doing something right!

  3. I bust a gut on the weed wacker, though it’s usually our neighbor and his lawn mower. 🙂 One of our cats coming into the room just to stare at us is one of my personal favorites. Awesome post (as usual!)

  4. Oh, that is too funny about your cats! A friend of mine told me that one time, her cat burst into the room chasing a mouse while she and her husband were trying to be romantic. Talk about killing the moment.

    Thank you for reading and I am glad I scored again! “Yay! Lesley liked my post!”

  5. Now my dog just looked at me with raised brows. Oh. My. I cannot stop laughing at this. This is going to be a real problem for me now. I am an addictive personality type and my kids have a minimum school day on Fridays. (12:30 pm) I couldn’t have found you on a day where they stay extra late for enrichment until 5??! Plus I have to get some of my own writing done at some point, you know, (really dry newsletters for realtors) so I simply cannot spend every single second on this ingenious blog. Some people! Sheesh, of all the nerve to be this darn clever.

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