The Toe Wrestling Championship was recently aired on ESPN. Apparently, ESPN has a loose definition of the term “sport” and does not discriminate what they choose to cover. The TWC (Toe Wrestling Championship) was won by Alan “Nasty” Nash. For all three of you who are toe wrestling enthusiasts, this victory was a no brainer. “Nasty” holds the world record for toe wrestling and has no plans on relinquishing that title. In fact, his nickname “Nasty” has to do with how merciless he is with his opponents and not – as I had thought – because toe wrestling is simply gross.
All this leads me to ponder: how does one enter into the peculiar niche of wrestling with one’s feet? I can’t help but picture a toe wrestler (let’s name him Terminator Toes) and his mother being interviewed…
Interviewer: So tell me, when did you first suspect your son had a talent with his toes?
Terminator Toes’ Mom: In utero. Seriously! I could literally feel him scraping the inside of my womb with his toes.
Interviewer: Good Heavens!
Terminator Toes’ Mom: It’s true. When he was a baby, there wasn’t anything he could not pick up with his toes: wet bars of soap, balls, ice cubes, the cat, our neighbor’s Pittbull…
Interviewer: Was this when you decided to enhance his talent?
Terminator Toes’ Mom: Oh no! I had no idea you could do anything with toes.
Terminator Toes: That’s when I stepped in. I knew at a young age my feet had a special gift. I knew my toe strength shouldn’t go to waste, so I started working on them. I made little barbells to fit my toes. I invented toe yoga to make my toes more supple.
Interviewer: Toe yoga?
Terminator Toes: Sure. Why should yoga exclude toes?
Interviewer: Good point. How did you discover toe wrestling?
Terminator Toes: Toe wrestling is actually an ancient sport. It is said that Cleopatra and Julius Cesar were talented toe wrestlers. I’ve also heard that Bill and Hillary Clinton are fond of toe wrestling. Hillary usually wins.
Interviewer: Bill and Hillary! So, you discovered toe wrestling how?
Terminator Toes: Oh! So one day when I was seventeen … no … wait … eighteen, I was home exercising my toes and a friend stopped by. When he saw my toe barbells he said, ‘You too?’ Turns out he had toe strength too! I told him my toes were stronger and he disagreed. So we decided to test it out and see …
Interviewer: And the rest is history! Well! May the best toe win!
I am sure toe wrestling is just one of the many strange sports that are out there. I wonder what ESPN will cover next. Perhaps Elbow Tennis (where people use their elbows – and not rackets – to hit the ball) and Staring Contests.