An Urgent Plea

Dear At – Home – Party – Consultants,

In all honesty, I do not need a potato peeler, onion dicer or pizza stone. Nor do I need an overpriced whisk and cheese grater. Buying a $60.00 nine inch bread knife would not make me feel pampered. It would make me feel swindled. Let’s also remember, I hate to cook (click HERE for proof). In other words, please stop inviting me to your Pampered Chef parties. Besides, all of that talk of kitchen gadgets would make me feel guilty – like I should be whipping up something gourmet for my family.

Soy candles are wonderful. I burn one a year. Therefore, I have no need for two or more. I also fear fire, and candles remind me of flames. (I would have made a horrible cave woman.) I also can’t help but feel a bit disgruntled by the inevitable jolly woman who would sit next to me and announce how she must have the $75 wall sconce and $25 votive holder.  While I am grateful you were thoughtful enough to include me on your PartyLite or Scentsy party invitation list, I ask that you no longer add my name.

Tupperware parties tend to get a bit too rowdy for my taste. All of that screaming over 8 oz containers and three piece plastic mixing bowl sets. The demonstration on the Zest and Press gadget always makes a few ladies faint. Forgive my weakness, but I simply do not have the fortitude to purchase a $33 plastic water pitcher to only have it break several days later (true story). Perhaps the decline in Tupperware quality is because Tupperware items are no longer manufactured in the United States. In any event, if you are thinking of inviting me to your next Tupperware gathering, please don’t.

Scrapbooking is downright intimidating. I do not have the patience or gumption to sort through my drawer full of photographs. This is why I never attend Creative Memories parties. Creative Memories consultants, please do not take this personally. Should I wake up one morning with the burning desire to crop pictures and write captions for them, I will contact you. I promise. Besides, I have heard rumors of brawls breaking out at scrapbooking parties – usually when high school photographs are unveiled. (“Wait! I thought you looked familiar! You were the one who I sat next to in Mr. Gibson’s math class. You used to make fun of my perm!”)

Homemade cards are wonderful. I admire the talent and creativity whenever I receive one. Yet, I  do not stamp and would rather spend time reading Hallmark cards in the store than making my own. If I am to stamp anything, it is a Bingo sheet with a dauber. Bingo is interactive and fun. Sometimes you win things. In fact, the next time I receive a Stampin’ Up party invitation, I may visit my nearest Catholic church hall for a competitive game of Bingo instead.  My sincerest apologies Stampin’ Up ladies.

Your cooperation in ceasing to invite me to these types of parties is much appreciated. I wish you well in your at-home party endeavors!

Warmest Regards,

The Underground Writer

Special thanks to Adam J. Holland of the Unorthodox Epicure (click HERE to check out his humorous and often touching essays) for assisting with this piece. And always – my beloved husband (Mr. Underground Writer) for his editing suggestions.

26 thoughts on “An Urgent Plea

  1. I so feel your pain. I consider my constant stream of invitations to such parties as a sad sign of my suburban-mommy-approaching-middle-age status. How in heck did this happen to me? (Puts palm to head).

  2. Oh I have to figure out a way to anonymously forward this to a certain person who keeps wanting me to come to “ninety-nine” parties…

  3. Whoops! I hit return too soon…I was laughing so hard. Well, let’s see where do I begin?? The good news is that as you age, those invitations diminish, so just in case someone doesn’t see or hear your rant – just keep getting older…eventually, they won’t want your company or your $$$ – 🙂

    I have a history of standing in front of a crowd and selling this stuff…it began with Playhouse Toys, back in the early 70’s when my son was a little boy. The sales kit consisted of 3 large boxes with plastic handles FULL of toys!! I held each one up and talked about how great it was and told them how many free toys they could get for hosting a party!! I was so good at it, that I won a diamond wrist watch and had to travel by train to Minneapolis, Minnesota to have it presented to me. It was seasonal work that ended at Christmas and all the toys were mine when it all ended! My son had some great Christmases those three years.

    Then I sold Home Interiors and Gifts for several years. That was in the 80’s and when they still had the parties in your home. Pretty stuff, but as you suggested, overpriced! I was very good at that too! I won many awards, furnished my kitchen with all new appliances for my sales, had a mink billfold, mink checkbook cover, mink purse, mink datebook cover, mink key ring, mink hat, and finally was awarded a mink coat! (Now all I needed was a pink car – oh, whoops – I didn’t sell for them). I also had the complete silver punchbowl, 20 cups, tray and ladle they awarded to top salespeople!! Aren’t you impressed?

    I won’t even expound on how many of these parties you mention that I’ve attended – but I agree everything is overpriced! But, in my day, when these parties began, there weren’t any Walmarts. K-mart came in and spoiled our fun somewhat, but it was awhile before Walmart took over.

    The only thing I take issue with, is the scrapbooking comment. I love, love, love to scrapbook! I have attended more than one Creative Memories party – mainly because my daughter sold it for awhile. We both quickly outgrew Creative Memories with the advent of Scrapbook stores, and scrapbook supplies being offered at other stores.

    I would also admit that I’ve made alot of great friends through the years attending some of these parties, and I also have tried some great desserts and acquired some great recipes, so there are advantages! I also don’t feel guilty about not buying anything, if I feel it’s overpriced or I just can’t afford to. I do LOVE Scentsy and was the last party i attended several years ago. I have one large pot, but would like more. Like I said, in the beginning – hold on, be patient. Age will eventually eliminate you from that group of invitees.

    Mine and my husband’s rant would be of the MLM approaches we get (since we both have a history in sales). Some one is always trying to offer us an opportunity to “get rich quick” with the latest miracle cure for faded headlights or some other product that you don’t have to sell any of – you just have to recruit a bunch of folks, like you who has a large garage or basement to store alot of inventory in. 🙂 Thanks for the laugh!

    • I remember Playhouse Toys! You make a VERY valid point: most of these party items can be purchased in retail stores now … for less. I have vague memories of attending these sorts of parties with my mom when I was a child. It was the only way you could purchase items that are so readily available now.

      Congratulations on your sales history! I love success stories. Thank you, as always, for reading! I am so happy I made you laugh!

  4. Wouldn’t it be easier if instead of hosting a party like this you just handed your friends a booklet and say “Here! Buy something so I can get free stuff!”?? That’s what’s really happening. You have to take time out to go, eat finger food, then buy something you don’t need to support the hostess’s whatever obsession (candles, kitchen gadgets, jewelry, handbags). These parties should be BANNED!!!!!!

    • That would certainly cut to the chase! So many of those parties-from-home businesses are pyramid schemes too. In the 1980s and early 90s, the parties made sense because they were selling hard to find items. Not you can get everything at Target. Or online.

  5. Awesome post! I must admit I have a few Pampered Chef items, though, and they’ve held up quite well (but even I will admit they’re overpriced). Jewelry parties seem to be the latest trend where I’m at…please, right now.

  6. We are still good with the Yard Sale invites though right ?!? This time around we have some unique items.. There is a uhh.. umm, bread maker, picture frames.. Big and small for those great memories.. Chipped mugs but fully functional and for the hubby we have some bubble screen TVs [remote sold separately] .. Hope to see you there 😀
    Side Note: I loved this piece, you have some interesting things / functions going on in you’re life lolol.

  7. Pingback: Weird Candle Fragrances | The Underground Writer

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