To Do: Find A Funeral Home

Please add Find Funeral Home For When I Die to your “To Do” list. Sound unnecessary? Perhaps you’re thinking, “Does it really matter where my wake will be since – technically – I’ll not even be there?” Think again.

For those of you who live in East Texas, there is a funeral home that resides in a former Taco Bell storefront. As if this isn’t awful enough, the funeral home has a casket on a pole advertising their services. Were the owners of East Texas Funeral Home concerned friends and family of the deceased would get lost en route to their funerals, and having a coffin in the sky would help?

“Stupid Google maps! I don’t see the road anywhere! Wait. Just wait one second! What is that ahead? A casket in the sky? Whew! We’re on the right street.”

And you thought I was exaggerating.

And you thought I was exaggerating.

After paying their condolences at the East Texas Funeral Home, hungry mourning guests may pop in next door to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.

“I still can’t believe Harry died! I mean, how old was he? Fifty – oh! Look! A Chinese buffet! I wonder if they have General Tso’s chicken. That’s my favorite.”

Now, I could very well be wrong. Perhaps you find the idea of your body being laid out in a former Taco Bell storefront with a coffin floating overhead appealing. But for those of you who live in East Texas, and don’t care for this decor, I strongly encourage you to find an alternative funeral home and remember to tell your family.

Another funeral home you may want to avoid is the Ahlgrim Family Funeral Home (click HERE for this oddity), located in Illinois. Mourners could be visiting your wake on the pretense of offering condolences, but what they are really itching to do is go downstairs and play 9 holes of mini-golf in the funeral home’s miniature golf course. There is also a game room for those of you who love a competitive pinball game. Note, however, the game room is never open during funeral services. (This may be a bit of a downer for some … more so than your death.)

Lastly, consider avoiding Drive Thru Funeral homes. Several are popping up along the country. This is exactly what it sounds like: your coffin is next to a window, and your loved ones can drive up to the window and pay their respects. (Well, sort of. I don’t know about you, but I find the effort of getting out of the car to be an integral component of  “paying respect”.)

Apparently, if you arrive before 6pm, you'll have to go inside. Dang!

Apparently, if you arrive before 6 pm, you’ll have to go inside.

Call me demanding or fussy, but when I exit this earth, I would rather not have my body displayed in a window.

“Well, there she is. Think we should turn down the radio?”

“Why? It’s not like she can hear it.”

“True.”

“So … now what? We just drive forward?”

“I guess so. Hey. Since we’re doing this whole drive-thru thing, can we head over to McDonalds?”

“Sure. Ya know, it’s too bad this isn’t the East Texas Funeral Home. There is an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet next door to that one.”

*Photo credits go to Adam J. Holland, of the Unorthodox Epicure, who braved the East Texas streets in order to provide the Casket On A Stick photograph. (Click HERE to visit his blog.) And Google Images for the Drive-Thru Funeral Home sign.*

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27 thoughts on “To Do: Find A Funeral Home

  1. You had me at hello but I laughed out loud at the drive thru! Really people!?? A drive thru viewing?? I’m not sure if it’s absurd or brilliant (or both)!!

  2. Not sure if I should “like” this post or not..
    (Do you think if you buy the “Deluxe Service” at the “East Texas Funeral Home” they would issue a voucher for “Buy One Get One Free” at the Chinese Buffet??)
    Truly disgusting..!!

    • Hahahaha! Personally, I think the “Buy One, Get One Free” voucher idea is brilliant. They should. I mean, when they have a casket on a pole outside of their facility, offering a voucher for Chinese food isn’t any less crass.

  3. I could be wrong, but I think the first drive-thru funeral home was here in Detroit. It was run by the family of a congressman and other political figures. (Guess it still is.)

  4. WOW!! I thought I saw it all when I turned on TLC one day and saw a funeral for a gentleman I believe who made BBQ sauce or something of the nature. His casket was a BBQ pit and they had his sauce on a flowing fountain.. Women walking down the Isle with huge ribs on their head and the family came up and dipped the ribs in the sauce and began to eat and praise God (YouTube search : BBQ Funeral.) I am guessing since these places are still in business there is a demand for this hahaha.. Maybe I should rethink my career path. I just need a good name and a two for one deal 😀

    • Geesh. Thank goodness his family didn’t decided to make BBQ funerals available for everyone. I can picture it now: guests sitting in chairs, flimsy paper plates on their laps, their fingertips covered in BBQ sauce and grease as they gnaw on ribs and pulled pork. (All while looking at a casket.)

    • THAT is what a real TRIBUTE is all about! .his family honored him the way he wanted and the way everyone knew he’d like to have…BRAVO!!! Thanks for telling about it here eski! Meaningful Tribute @ Funeral Home with Real Service Attitude: 1 Cheesy Casket-Pole Asshat: 0
      I gotta stop watching that ID channel and watch TLC…I missed out on this one!

  5. The casket on the stick place was news to me but I was aware of the others…I shudder to think of the asshat who thought that crap up…or what I could do to him if only I could sleepwalk…

      • Oh, I’ve NO DOUBT that dude’s lost…I will speak for the REST of the reputable funeral establishments when I say that this is highly frowned upon. Thanks for bringing it into the light, it had to be shown. I just started writing for a major industry publication and I will have to find out what the inside scoop is and why local peers ignore it.

  6. Actually, on second guess, it’s likely one of those discounters who sell cheap caskets,etc. No doubt owner no a member of any professional association. Those do pop up here and there and they tend to go out of business rather quickly due to their tacky advertising and inappropriate business acumen. He’s a perfect example of a stripmall operator. With the plastic banner, I’m betting he’s planning a temporary trial.. He’s actually making the good guys look better.
    Remember kids: you get what you pay for. 😉 If ya don’t, report ’em!

  7. From what I understand, East Texas Funeral Home does actual funerals – and is not a discount casket distributor. As you know, funerals cost a bundle, so it is upsetting that people who do not have the funds may have to rely on places like those that have a casket on a stick.

    • I did a little Googling and I see that they seem to be a regular place…I resisted the urge, though, to write and ask why, for Heaven’s sake they put that God-awful, butt-ugly casket-on-a-stick out front! It really looks tacky, for the most part.
      Funny how most people don’t bat an eye at the costs of paying for a wedding, often times 10x or 20x the price of an average funeral, which statistically has about a 50/50 chance of ending in divorce…a funeral is a one-time event, with lasting memories of a tribute to a cherished loved one…a much better value at a fraction of the expense. Put into the proper context, it’s actually one of the least of life’s ‘major’ expenses. If you have life insurance, it’s covered.

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