“I’m a bit concerned,” she said.
The dogs sat on the couch. Talking dogs. Seriously. I had been asked to interview four talking dogs on a rather delicate subject matter. They wanted their voice (non-barking) heard, and they thought my blog would be the best venue. (Who knew canines read The Underground Writer? Who knew, for that matter, dogs could read?!)
“About what?” I ask.
Daisy is a mixed-breed. A cross between a Boxer and Pittbull. She shakes her head – her dog tags clicking together.
“My humans. My owners. They’re … getting … strange.”
“Not mine!” the Golden Retriever interjects, “my humans are the best.”
“Well, of course you would think so. You think everyone is the best. All Goldens do.”
The Golden Retriever is suddenly distracted, his snout raised in the air, sniffing.
“Do you smell bacon?” he asks.
Daisy raises a furry eyebrow at me and leans forward, her front paws sliding on the slipcover.
“As I was saying … my humans adopted me from the animal shelter, which was great! I love them, really, I do. But now … but now they’re acting like they’ve saved the world! All over their minivan are bumper stickers that read ‘Rescue Dog Mom’ and ‘I Rescued My Fur Baby’ and ‘Don’t Breed – Adopt.’ As though taking me into their home has made them better people.”
Daisy glances at Trixie – a Yorkie who has started gnawing on an old running shoe.
“Then there are my humans,” Ace – a Siberian Husky – says. “Bought me from a breeder. Paid a fortune, I might add. Now it’s like I’m their kid. I have to go in their car all of the time. They call it ‘car rides.’ They’re always taking my picture with them. ‘Smile Ace!’ they say, ‘smile for the selfie!’ Apparently I even have my own Facebook page – whatever THAT means.”
“I love going for car rides!” says the Golden Retriever, “My humans have a bumper sticker that says their dog is smarter than your honor student … what does that mean?”
“So what exactly is the problem?” I ask, “Daisy, you would rather have been left in the animal shelter? And Ace? You have a problem with being so loved?”
The dogs (except for the Golden Retriever, that is now licking his genitals) all shake their heads.
“I told them not to hire The Underground Writer for this!” Daisy hisses.
“You’re right,” Ace whispers, “she is a little slow.”
“The problem,” Trixie says, after she has swallowed a tattered shoelace she managed to dislodge from the running shoe, “is how the humans view us. My great grandpa Oscar used to tell me about sleeping outside on the back porch, or eating table scraps. Now I sleep on some fancy thing called a ‘dog settee’, and my human buys me organic dog food.”
“Speaking of food,” Ace interrupts, “have you seen what they feed us? What happened to meat? I like to eat out of the garbage can whenever I get the chance. And if it’s really smelly, I like to roll in it. Now, my humans feed me froufrou stuff they think will taste good.”
As if to prove his point, Ace nods towards the packages lined up on the table next to the couch.
“Pumpkin and Berry flavor? Gluten free? I just want a bone with some ham still on it!” Ace starts to drool, his saliva forming little pools on the slipcover that is now coated with dog hair.
“What’s with the vanilla sandwich cremes? I’m a dog for crying out loud! And apple cinnamon flavor biscuits?” Daisy asks, “why can’t they make stinky fish flavored biscuits? Or steak flavored?”
“Ohhhh! I LOVE stinky fish!” the Golden Retriever sighs.
“It’s like … humans are trying to make us human,” Trixie says.
“Human are trying to make dogs … human?” I repeat.
“Yes!” Trixie, Ace and Daisy say in unison.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Trixie continues, “I do love my humans, especially the kids. But sometimes I think the adults forget that I’m a dog.”
“Just look at the picture my human bought.” Daisy turns and looks at the picture hanging on the wall behind her.
“I think that’s great,” the Golden Retriever says. He is scratching his left ear with his hind paw. “I can’t wait to teach my humans how to fetch, and sniff stranger’s crotches, and beg for apple cinnamon flavored biscuits.”
Daisy, Ace and Trixie exchange looks.
“Exactly.”
Photo Credits:
Froufrou Dog Treats – Underground Writer venturing into the crowded pet food aisle of local store.
“Everything I Learned In Life…” picture: Google Images/Etsy.com
The Underground Writer 
Haha! Brilliant as usual. I know my dog definitely prefers the garbage to fancy treats!
Thanks Jess. The dog I had growing up loved to roll in trash she found outside – especially after my mom brought her home from being bathed and clipped. We called it her “Eau de Garbage” scent.
Clever. My thoughts – Most of us dog owners know full well that they’re not human, but we know they are a significant part of our lives. If you’re single, without children, as I am, they may be even more significant. Compassion is compassion, love is love – does it look different if it’s coming from a human towards an animal? I doubt it. Frankly, most of us dog owners probably go back and forth in how we view our special creatures. We might treat them as humans when they’re well, but we’re fully aware of their “dogness” when one of them becomes very ill and we have to depend on vets to bring them back to health or to help them pass on to another place.
Absolutely. I love dogs ~ I often think about the dogs I owned growing up and still feel a pang of grief when I remember the way their fur felt on my fingers. One of the hardest parts about owning a dog is that their lives are far too short.
One of my hesitancies in welcoming a dog into our family is knowing full well it will only be a part of our family for no more than 11 years (on average).
This was written all in jest – an (attempted) comical reaction to the many bumper stickers I stare at while at red lights, or the pictures I see at furnishing stores. And I often DO wonder what dogs think of us, if they could think in human terms.
Thank you so much for reading, and your honest, insightful comments!
That’s the one thing I avoid doing – bumper stickers on cars! Hey, even if my dog is smarter than someone’s third-grader, I think that’s just mean to advertise it! Believe me UW, I laugh at some of the humanizing things I do to my dogs and know full well that I’ve sort of gone over the edge at times. I will never, however, set a place for my dogs at the table with us. They are such sloppy eaters!
Hahaha! It sounds to me that you have the perfect balance of love for your dogs. They are very lucky to have you!
I must admit–the only reason I like gluten free treats is that I don’t have to wash my hands immediately afterwards! E.
Nice!
This is great! It’s funny because I just saw an ad about dog food containing fruits and vegetables. It struck me very odd. Dogs are mostly meat eaters, correct? Why and when did they need to start eating fruit? Yes, we are trying to make them human! At least some of us 🙂
You know somewhere, out there, some poor dog is on a Vegan diet.
Thank you for reading ~ and your comment!
Haaa! Sad but true!
I love my dogs more than I love my children. Just sayin’…
And I’m sure you have a bumper sticker on your car telling everyone that, too. 😉
LOVING THIS!! “I told them not to hire The Underground Writer for this!” Daisy hisses. (My fave line! And of course you are absolutely the only person who could do justice to a piece like this!!) The bumper sticker conversation was also a gem — “Puppy on Board!” Can that be far behind? Pssst – – a little Poodle whispered in my ear that you might consider writing a second post mid-week? 😉
Thanks so much! (And let it be known – I do love dogs!)
Love it, so funny. Could you do a cat one next?
Thank you so much! I’ll have to think about the cat one. (There seems to be less cat loving bumper stickers, and paraphernalia in the stores.)
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Haha this is great! I own a boxer he’s an Amazing dog! He was technically a hand me down. His original owners paid a lot of $$ for him but had to give him to my brother on the count of moving. Then the same thing happened w/my brother who gave him to me. His name is Cassius-Clay and he’s 8! The way I view it is that they’re training for any future kids you muggy have. Great job writing this!
Thank you so much! You just made me think of something: I should have included a dog who was his human’s world – until they had kids. I have seen that happen often. The dog is the “baby” until the real baby enters the picture, then suddenly the dog is a shedding nuisance. Drat!
Thank you for reading and the encouraging comments!
No problem! Keep up the good work! 🙂
Just came around for my weekly fix. I do hope you’re just a busy bee and everything is status quo. Also I put a link to this dog post in one of my last posts so some of my friends could find you and get their fix too!
You are so sweet. Thanks for the referral. Everything is status quo. The weather here has FINALLY turned from bitterly cold to 70s and sunny and the kids and I have been soaking it in before it dips back into the 40s this week. I have also been catching up on reading, so my blog has been neglected. I have ideas brewing, though!
I’m pretty sure my dog just thinks I’m crazy, but he’s pretty happy I cook a lot, since something inevitably ends up on the kitchen floor. And, though I’m guilty of making homemade sweet potato treats for mine, he much prefers the roasted beef bones I make stock with. 🙂 Awesome article!
Something tells me your sweet potato treats are probably awesome enough for humans. Heck – based on how some of my cooking turns out – they would probably be a hit around here, and we don’t own a dog!
Thank you for your comment!
I shared this on my Facebook page…it was too funny not to. And I’m still having a hard time believing your cooking is that bad. 🙂
Thanks for sharing! I am flattered!
And it is true – my cooking isn’t THAT bad. Just really boring. And often burnt …