Milk is Ruining My Life

I pour the creamy, white liquid into the glass. I’m just about to take a sip, but then freeze. Wait. Wait, just one minute. Did this milk come from a cow treated with artificial growth hormones? Is this milk lactose free? I wonder if the cow was injected with resistant building antibiotics. Was the cow humanely treated? Did it enjoy being milked – or did it feel violated?

How did such a benign substance become so risky all of a sudden? When we were children, we were told to drink milk because it was good for our teeth and it kept our bones from snapping in half. But now everything seems so complicated! Fat free milk, skim milk, 2% milk, whole milk. Milk with DHA added.

Should we drink pasteurized or unpasteurized milk? Supposedly, unpasteurized milk has not been meddled with, and contains more nutrients and healthy fat than pasteurized milk. On the flip-side, because of the pasteurization process, pasteurized milk doesn’t harbor pesky deadly bacteria that is more likely to be found in unpasteurized milk. Hmmm … healthy fat verses dangerous bacteria …it’s a tossup.

I grab my keys and drive to the grocery store. I’m relieved to find they have an entire section devoted to milk substitutes. Thank goodness! Problem solved! Or so I thought.

The first option is rice milk. This looks like a great choice, until I remember it was just all over the news that arsenic was found in rice products. (I need to consume arsenic like I need a hole in my head.) And rice is a grain, right? Isn’t there this whole paleo diet movement? The diet rage that says we shouldn’t eat grains because our ancestors didn’t eat grains and they lived to be nine hundred years old, so we should abstain from grains too, so we can live to be nine hundred years old with no teeth and incontinent and yell at our children because they never visit us.

I scan the shelves. How about soy milk? Oh. Estrogen overload. Well, then. What about almond milk? Hmmm … Not only am I not a fan of almonds, but what if I develop a nut allergy? What if I’m standing in my kitchen, enjoying a nice cold glass of almond milk, and suddenly my throat swells shut? There I am, gasping and writhing for breath because I need an epi-pen in order to breath. (Which I don’t happen to own since I’ve never had a nut allergy prior to this whole milk dilemma.) I drop dead on the floor all because of a glass of stupid almond milk.

There’s coconut milk, but isn’t that high in fat? Or is coconut fat considered good now? I keep losing track. I’m fairly certain that coconut fat is considered healthy fat … or was that avocados? Maybe avocado fat is good to consume – and not coconuts – but I can’t find avocado milk. Maybe they’re making that next month.

On the shelf under the coconut milk is … hemp milk. Hemp milk? Hemp milk? Is that even legal? What would hemp milk even taste like? Sucking on a wet, burlap bag?

Not to mention, all of these non-milk products come in a variety of options. Organic, non-organic. No-sugar added. Sweetened and non-sweetened. Vanilla. It feels eerily similar to when I’m in the milk aisle.

I storm out of the milk substitute aisle and pass the frozen food section where gallons of milk sit innocently lined up for those who don’t know the dangers of drinking milk from another mammal (and yet another issue). I grab a bottle of soda – suddenly the safest choice – and head towards the cashier.







30 thoughts on “Milk is Ruining My Life

  1. We have another point of difference for milk in Australia: ‘permeate-free’ – as if there wasn’t enough to think about already! Plus moral pressure to support locally produced & owned products vs cheaper generic supermarket milk brands.
    But we don’t give people the option of unpasteurised milk here – which upsets some cheese makers. Apparently there is now a black market in raw milk (‘the new moonshine’ according to one article I read!)

    • Interesting that unpasteurized milk isn’t an option. Personally, I think it’s a wise one. That thing called Listeria is one nasty, deadly bacteria.

      Ahhh, the BUY LOCAL pressure. Yes, we have that too. (Not so much with milk, though, but with other products.) However, there is much more cost involved.

  2. Hah! This is hilarious and so true! By the time you get through the grocery now, you’ve talked yourself out of just about everything! In the end, I figure just go with what you like. Something’s going to get you in the end anyway…might as well enjoy the trip!

    • Hahaha! Thanks! You finally figure out what milk product to purchase (after 2 hours of deliberating) only to get fatally struck by someone on one of those motorized shopping carts.

      Thanks for reading! And the great comment!

  3. I prefer almond milk. It’s not Normal for mammals to drink milk past infancy. It causes lots of inflammation too! It is kind of funny all the milks but as long as it’s not from an animal it should be ok 🙂

  4. So nice when you surface, Underground Writer! “but I can’t find avocado milk. Maybe they’re making that next month.” – – That line just broke me up. Betcha that does come out soon now! Don’t disappear again, please?

  5. hahaha, this was hilarious. Luckily, I am not a milk drinker but unfortunately these issues don’t apply to milk. I happen to struggle in the toothpaste aisle. There are soooo many kinds and I struggle with whether to whiten or not whiten. And then when I finally decide on a specific product, the next time I go to buy it either a) I pick up the wrong thing because the packaging is so similar, or b) the store doesn’t carry what I like anymore or c) they no longer make it because I was the only person buying it!

    • Oh my goodness! Toothpaste! You are NOT alone!! “Do I want white teeth, but gingivitis? Or yellow teeth, and no plaque?” “What is the difference between spearmint and peppermint flavor?” “This tube will last 24 hours. Does that mean THIS tube won’t? After 2 hours my teeth will turn dirty?”

  6. Yes, this highlights the terror of grocery shopping these days. The choices have mushroomed out of control. Most of us stand, stupefied, at the shelves while we try to figure out what to feed ourselves. Seems like only junk food is straightforward now. A corn dog is a corn dog is a corn dog.

  7. Glad you left with soda. Was it coca cola? Or coca cola caffeine-free? coca cola caffeine-free diet? cherry coke? diet cherry coke? black cherry vanilla coke? diet black cherry vanilla coke? cherry zero? vanilla coke? vanilla coke zero?

    Only in America.

  8. It’s been awhile since I dropped by – SORRY, just busy. But, I couldn’t resist this one…Problem solved…just don’t drink milk!! The story goes that I quilt drinking milk when I quit taking the bottle. That was 63 yrs. ago. I know, I know – all the stories about how good it is for you or WAS, that is. No telling, anymore – that’s for sure!! I will pour some skim milk on cereal once in a while, but don’t like cereal either – so that one’s solved! Ha! Anyway, good read – you are so talented and such a great writer! Love your topics, always!

  9. Pingback: A Found First Line Poem | Scotia Night Poetry

  10. It’s amazing how all the debate inside the head on which milk to get ended up with soda. Haha! Always loved reading your posts! 🙂

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