Are you panicking? According to the media, we are only one step away from being mysteriously infected with Ebola tainted bodily fluids. If not sickened with this hemorrhagic disease, then an ISIS terrorist lurking in our hedges could be the cause of our demise. Yet, if we manage to survive these tragedies, we are still left to grapple with the horrendous U2 album iTunes downloaded on our iPhones.
It’s enough to drive anyone off the deep end. How are you coping? At first, I was a mess. I was losing sleep. I was up all night, pacing the floors (while periodically checking my forehead for a fever and my body for bleeding – the telltale symptoms of Ebola). Every few minutes I would peek out behind my curtains for an ISIS member prowling the neighborhood. Until I had to use the bathroom. Then all my fears and anxieties came to a screeching halt.
The bathroom? You say. Yes. The bathroom. Charmin toilet paper now comes scented. That’s right! This bath tissue smells like chamomile.
There I was, worrying about coming into contact with the body secretions of an Ebola patient while I’m at the airport when suddenly, I felt so … relaxed! I wasn’t exactly sure what the source of this new found serenity was, until I realized it was coming from my toilet paper! Ebola what? ISIS who? By Charmin simply adding a fragrance to their toilet paper, my life has suddenly become easier. Thank you, Charmin!
The problem is, the scent is so lovely that I don’t want to use it for its intended purpose. Instead, I place the rolls around my home in lieu of potpourri.
When company arrives, they sniff the air.
“What is that beguiling scent?”
“Oh, that,” I say modestly, “that’s just my chamomile scented toilet paper.”
“I’m kind of embarrassed,” one friend admitted, “your bath tissue smelled so divine, like … flowers, I just couldn’t bring myself to use it. Do you have anything else?”
“I don’t blame you,” I say, “and you can actually remove that roll and put it right on the shoe rack in my hall closet.”
Now, my hall closet is infused with the scent of chamomile.
Whenever I feel tense, I now have to whip out a roll of chamomile scented toilet paper and take a nice, long sniff in order to calm myself.
Ahhhhhh! So what if I’m late for my appointment?
Perfume? Shmerfume! Why would I choose to wear perfume when all I need is one roll of scented toilet paper? I stick a roll in my purse and out the door I go, the aroma of chamomile scented bath tissue trailing behind.
“Excuse me,” says the woman in the store, “do you know you have toilet paper hanging out of your purse?”
“Oh, yes! And this isn’t just any toilet paper. This is Charmin’s chamomile scented toilet paper.”
“Scented toilet paper? Now they scent toilet paper? When we go and wipe our -“
“But doesn’t it smell lovely?”
“I don’t care what it smells like! Toilet paper isn’t supposed to smell, period. That stuff isn’t for smelling! It’s for wiping!”
And like that, the magic is gone. While driving home, I sniff the roll of Charmin but instead of calm all I hear is the woman’s voice saying, “It’s for wiping!”
That night, I’m back up, pacing the floors, wondering if the CDC will create an Ebola vaccine since two people in our country now have the virus. However, if they do quickly make a vaccine, will the vaccine be safe? Sadly, I am no longer calmed by my toilet paper. I realize Charmin’s chamomile scented toilet tissue is simply toilet paper that smells weird.
**Author’s Note: The toilet paper rolls used in these photographs are not actual Charmin products, nor are they affiliated with Charmin. Any resemblance to Charmin chamomile scented toilet paper is purely coincidental, because why would anyone want to use scented toilet paper??**
The Underground Writer 
I never realized personal hygiene products could have such calming effect. It beats my personal coping method, which is to consume large quantities of cheese-flavored snacks and alcohol. That doesn’t work for long, either.
I imagine it wouldn’t … though, maybe before long Procter and Gamble will create a beer and cheese scented toilet paper?
Great post. I bought my neighbour some strawberry scented dog poo bags not long ago. Pity chamomile scent was not available…
I am in Heaven with this post! (Heaven’s Scent is a big TP brand in Calif!) because again it’s out a day early (is Sat your new schedule now?) and it’s hilarious! Please send to Mr. Whiffle– he will switch to sniffing instead of squeezing. But most of all, he’ll be laughing along with rest of the world! You are great. Ps. How’s your book coming??
Thank you! No schedule, just trying to write when I find time. (And when I untangle my fingers from my cello strings.) My book is coming along, a little too slowly, but I’m trying. Thanks for asking!
Oh okay! A Celloist too, wow! So is that really you in the car photo?
That’s really me!!!
I wouldn’t call myself a cellist yet. I’ve only been playing for 5 months. All the really smart kids leave and then I walk in, wrestling with my cello, trying not to break anything. After my grand entrance, I sit down and proceed to play “Hot Cross Buns.”
Hot Cross Buns! I’m hearing it now!
Buahahahaha! Thanks for giving me a much-needed laugh for the day! 😀
You’re welcome! I am so happy it made you laugh!
First, I happen to like the U2 (iTunes) album. I really do! Are you so engrossed in the Four Cellos that you’ve disregarded one of the most influential acts of our time? — Also, I learned from an area TV producer this past week that I’m (Facebook) friends of a friend … of the nurse who contracted ebola. So, according to the Bacon Brothers, that means you aren’t very far removed yourself! Hold on to the scented toilet paper (because you might need it)!
I’ll keep a roll of Charmin around in case I am six degrees of separation away from an Ebola patient, but something tells me chamomile scented Charmin may join the ranks of Crystal Pepsi and Heinz green ketchup.
OMG! You missed your calling!! You should have been a stand up Comedian!! But I’m sure that isn’t the first time you’ve heard that!!
Thank you so much! Actually, you’re the first person to tell me I should have been a stand up comedian. Nursing assistant (NOT nurse – but a nursing assistant), professional cleaner, and writer have been the recommendations thus far. Thank you again!!! So happy you enjoyed the post!
Don’t make me reread all of my comments I’ve ever left you, but I could’ve sworn that I once told you that you should be a stand-up comedian??
Ha! You compared me to Larry David, I think. (But cleaner.) 😉
Omg! You are too much!!! Love it!
🙂
Hahahahaha! I have lavender scented garbage bags! I’ll definitely have to try the toilet paper!
This was too funny!
Thank you!