Fly the Unfriendly Skies

Last week, JetBlue Airlines announced they will no longer offer free checked baggage for their passengers. To add insult to injury, the frugal airline has also decided to add fifteen additional seats to their Airbus A320 planes resulting in less legroom. (See Forbes.)

Following suit, other airlines have decided to make cutbacks to get out of the red. In order to save costs on fuel, EconoJet Airlines is now using a large sling-shot to send their planes soaring.

“Take off can feel a bit … treacherous,” said Humphrey Garret, CEO of EconoJet. “But I assure passengers the sling-shot is mighty strong, and will get you in the general area of your destination.”

McAir Airways has decided to do away with landing costs – those pesky fees required by airports to use their runways. Instead of landing their planes, McAir passengers will need to parachute out.

“But please remember it’s B.Y.O.P (Bring Your Own Parachute),” Linda McFadden, President and CEO of McAir Airlines stated, “McAir is not responsible for providing passengers with parachutes. When we needed to make some cutbacks, landing fees and parachutes were included. These were difficult, but necessary cuts.”

McAir recommends all passengers pack lightly as heavy suitcases can be quite burdensome when parachuting. (And yes, there are still baggage fees.)

Another cost cutting method used by some airlines is reducing unnecessary safety equipment. Payless Planes has removed all seat bealts from their aircrafts.

“When you’re plunging thirty thousand feet from the sky in a fiery ball, what’s a seat belt really going to do? Upon the realization that seat belts do nothing in the case of an airline crash, we decided to include them in our cost cutting,” said Michael DeAngelo, Chief Financial Officer of Payless Planes.

But after much deliberation, Payless Planes has decided to not only do away with seat belts, but seats entirely. Passengers now sit on benches, hanging onto handles, subway style.

“I have certainly been on more comfortable flights,” Timothy Blummert of Irvine, California said, “but at least with this airline, I know we’re actually landing on a runway … if we land.”

Other airlines have decided to keep fuel, seats and the usage of airports, but have simply done away with flight crew. Fly-Mart recently announced they have laid off all flight attendants. Vending machines and self-serve coffee makers have replaced the smiling flight attendants of the past.

“It was a bit strange at first,” Macy Wallace of Des Moine, Iowa said when interviewed, “There was a line all the way down the aisle for the vending machine. When one guy’s Snickers bar got stuck, he got real mad and started shaking the machine and rocking it. I thought we were gonna crash! But other than that, it worked out alright.”

**The Underground Writer Reporting**

23 thoughts on “Fly the Unfriendly Skies

  1. I haven’t flown in years, so I had heard of JetBlue, but didn’t know how many airlines had sprung up recently after most of them consolidated. Econojets captured my imagination as I tried to picture the slingshot. However, “in the general area of your destination.” and no link made me suspicious of your fiction/nonfiction status. Still, I considered McAirways to be a possibility, especially after hearing about someone recently who went skydiving with an instructor with no prior classroom work. And the instructor was drinking while waiting for the pilot. And the pilot joined them for drinks.

    I must be really gullible, because even Payless seemed feasible, especially after the comparison with subways. But FlyMart would certainly capture headlines…I hope. I felt relieved by the “satire” tag.

    Great piece!

      • I have no idea how I found The Underdog Writer, but have been following her for many moons. Her humor is as irresistible as her avatar for old codgers like you and me who actually have used manual typewriters, or are you only going to admit to learning how to write on electric ones before word processors?

        As you might have guessed, I’ve been neglecting my WordPress friends as my novel demands my attention. I’m delighted to see you here, too. Hugs doubled 🙂

      • Really? I always read her posts thoroughly and have not seen you “grace” the comments section until today. I am very excited to read your completed novel. What an undertaking historical fiction is!! I have also embarked on my 2nd novel, a sequel to my first. Oy! My main character should have probably been killed or jailed at the end of my last, so there was no chance of her telling another tale! Happy chaptering to us both! xoxo
        Ps. I did have the cutest manual typewriter…. It came in a little suitcase!

      • My historical fiction novel is waiting in the wings for its cue. My horror fiction novel has the spotlight now. See my blog’s home page.

        Your typewriter’s suitcase reminds me of my first sewing machine’s little suitcase that almost matched the one that I used for weekends with relatives: hard surfaces, brown, tweedy look, narrow stripes along the edges. How did they produce such creativity?

  2. HaHa! I love your Underground reporting pieces. This one landed perfectly! So does McAir have a slogan to “Fly it YOUR way!” ? Oh wait that’s “Merger King.” But I bet when you fly Payless Planes, passengers shoes are in style. Loved this as usual!

  3. Awesome as always!! So clever and witty you are. Be careful, we don’t want to give airlines any real ideas hahaha. I can see some CEO now pitching the no seat belts needed idea. 🙂

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