Kale Causes Cancer

Kale causes cancer. Well, not yet. But it will. It’s only a matter of time before a national study reveals that this esteemed leafy green vegetable is wreaking havoc on our bodies. Just look at fish! For decades we have been told to “eat more fish!”, “fish is good for you!”, “fish has healthy oils for your brain!” Then along comes this pesky neurotoxin called mercury – which has apparently infested our fish.

It’ll be no surprise when kale is considered deadly. First, it has a rough, rubbery texture, which is nature’s way of saying, “hands off!” Second, it’s bitter. An acquired taste? Or similar to the bad taste that bugs excrete to keep predators from devouring them? Lastly, it has an ornamental look to it, implying it should surround our steak and potatoes, not be in lieu of them.

People are very proud when they eat kale, as though they have just saved someone from drowning. Smoothie establishments offer drink concoctions that contain kale as a main ingredient. Women – wearing yoga pants – brandish these smoothies in their hands, feeling good about themselves, when in reality it looks like they are drinking the contents of someones’s stomach after an intestinal virus. These smoothies also contain a variety of other fruits and vegetables, which are supposed to add to the smoothies’ nutritional content. But we all know what is really going on: they’re just trying to cover up the taste of the kale.

Facebook and Pinterest are full of kale recipes. Soon there will be kale coffee and kale cupcakes. That is, until it is announced that kale causes cancer. Then everyone will breathe a sigh of relief and admit they never liked the vegetable, that they always found it bitter and disgusting – how they pretended to like it because it was cool. They never should have dressed little Sophia up as a kale leaf for Halloween, or made Simon eat dried kale chips for snack everyday.

Support groups will form, and not because kale has given so many people cancer, but because there is now a vacant spot – a rift – in their lives.

“It’s that feeling I miss … the pride of having something so healthy in my grocery cart. Nothing quite matches the euphoria of another grocery shopper glancing at my groceries and seeing my kale, while they were buying nothing but cheese doodles and soda.”

“Mmmm … I hear what you’re saying. And how about you, Sue? What are you feeling right now?”

“It made me feel smart. Like, I was playing a trick on someone. Why else would I eat something so awful? But I knew it was supposed to be good for me. So I ate it. But without kale, I’m just boring. I’m like everyone else.”

“Those are very strong feelings, Sue. Thank you for sharing them. How about you, Stephanie?”

“I’m really regretting naming my daughter Kale. I should have gone with Emma.”

People will wander around the produce section of grocery stores. Spinach may gain some new attention, like an ex girlfriend who suddenly seems appealing again. Others may briefly try broccolini, only to find it’s been around too long, they’re familiar with its taste, it doesn’t feel like it’s doing anything.

In time, another vegetable will be heralded as the “nutrient packed”, “immune-boosting”, “cancer fighting” food that kale was once considered to be (before it was discovered that it causes cancer). Everyone will breathe a sigh of relief and rush to ingest that plant. Until, of course, it is announced it causes heart disease.

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14 thoughts on “Kale Causes Cancer

  1. I actually saw an elementary student eating kale chips a few weeks ago when I brought Subway (speaking of cancer-causing food) to the boy for lunch. For the record, the only thing kale is good for is as a ‘green’ addition to my compost pile.

  2. “Kale! Kale! The gang’s all here!” LOL, LOL, LOL! A diamond, a ruby, this is one of my new fave gems! Loved it all but you shoulda heard me Roar (not like Katy Perry) when “Stephanie” named their child Kale! You’ll always do it for me!! Btw…. I am now up on Huffington Post and I think you NEED to send this piece, (but just as a start) to the Comedy Section there.

  3. This post is very timely! Just the other day my husband announced he does NOT want me putting kale in soups anymore. He said the stuff tastes awful. Not sure why he didn’t mention that to me before! So now it’s onward with the Spinach Revolution!

  4. It was just like when in the span of one week, one study said “don’t eat bacon it causes cancer”, and another said “bacon is not cancer causing.” Once a study say’s Kale causes cancer, another will pop it that say’s “no it’s doesn’t.” I’m so confused.

  5. oh my God this was beyond brilliant. Believe it or not, but I just discovered kale last year when I moved to Canada. Back home we don’t have kale(yes there are some fortunate countries out there). You made, absolute perfect sense here. I’ve had similar feelings about quinoa too ( its spelling is just as annoying as its taste). I tried acting smart and also felt a bit superior during the couple of weeks I made kale smoothies. It soon got the better of me. We parted our ways. Now I just avert my gaze and feel
    those greeny bunches judging and pointing at me, every time I go grocery shopping.

    • Quinoa – the kale of grains.
      Thrilled you enjoyed this and thank you for reading and commenting! Now, go enjoy a chocolate peanut butter smoothie (that’s the kind I get when everyone else is buying bile-green kale smoothies and pretending to like them).

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