Amazon Sells Controversial New Items

In order to maintain its status as the largest internet company in the United States, Amazon has begun selling brides and grooms. Last week, the company announced the introduction of its Family Department, which joined the ranks of its other divisions – such as Electronics and Health and Beauty.

Buyers can now type bride or groom in Amazon’s search bar and be directly linked to their Family Department, where they will see pictures of available brides and grooms for purchase. With a simple click of their mouse, buyers can add their future spouse to their cart.

“It’s quite fabulous, really,” said Tiffany Blakely of Woonsocket, New Jersey. “I was so tired of dating jerk after jerk. Those online dating sites are a gamble. But now with Amazon, I can scroll through and pick out exactly what I want. Hair color, eye color, height, weight.”

Brides and grooms are included as Amazon Prime items, so members will receive them within 2 days of ordering.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Adam Cunningham of Underwood, Iowa, “when I picked my bride from the dozens offered by Amazon, she arrived safely packaged on my doorstep, only two days after I placed my order! And I should mention, the electric shaver I ordered at the same time was also in the box.”

Amazon states that returns on brides and grooms are free. All one must do is print out the return label and squish their Amazon spouse back into a box and bring him (or her) to the nearest post office. Amazon does stress the importance of punching air holes in the box. (Deceased brides and grooms are generally frowned upon.) Once your return is received, your account is credited, and you are free to choose another spouse.

Many Human Rights organizations find Amazon’s Family Department an appalling addition to its electronic commerce.

“These brides and grooms are bought by complete strangers. They’re wrapped in bubble wrap, packed in a box and shipped. And not just any kind of shipped -Amazon Prime shipped. You can only imagine how rough that is! I bet they’re tossed around like an old football,” said Lisa Gustov, spokesperson for Help The People Amnesty Group, when interviewed.

But Amazon assures the brides and grooms being sold volunteer for this arrangement.

“These people are completely on board with this! We don’t pick strangers randomly off the street. Since our Family Department started, we have received tons of requests from people who would like to be happily married to complete strangers who chose them off the internet.” An Amazon spokesperson said on the condition of anonymity.

But it’s not always love at first sight. Often, the buyer has high expectations based on the photograph Amazon displayed on its website. Additionally, spending forty-eight hours in a cardboard box does not bode well for the person being purchased. Bobby and Shauna Jackson had a rough start to their romance.

“When I picked Bobby from Amazon’s website? He was gorgeous, like Abercrombie and Fitch modeling gorgeous. But what did I get? Some weirdo who ate the bag of Snyders pretzels I had also ordered. I got a weirdo and a bag of pretzel crumbs.” said Shauna Jackson.

“What’d she expect? Did she think someone who is really handsome would sell himself on Amazon? Plus, I forgot to eat before Amazon’s distribution warehouse rolled me up in bubble wrap and folded me in the box. I was starving. That bag of pretzels packed next to me was pure torture.” Bobby Jackson said.

The Jackson’s toughed it out, with Shauna deciding to keep Bobby since he could fix the transmission on her 1998 Hyundai Elantra.

“Even though returns are free and all that, I’d still have to pack him up and haul him to the post office. And the guy weighs a ton.” Shauna said.

The Underground Writer Reporting

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