Amazon Sells Controversial New Items

In order to maintain its status as the largest internet company in the United States, Amazon has begun selling brides and grooms. Last week, the company announced the introduction of its Family Department, which joined the ranks of its other divisions – such as Electronics and Health and Beauty.

Buyers can now type bride or groom in Amazon’s search bar and be directly linked to their Family Department, where they will see pictures of available brides and grooms for purchase. With a simple click of their mouse, buyers can add their future spouse to their cart.

“It’s quite fabulous, really,” said Tiffany Blakely of Woonsocket, New Jersey. “I was so tired of dating jerk after jerk. Those online dating sites are a gamble. But now with Amazon, I can scroll through and pick out exactly what I want. Hair color, eye color, height, weight.”

Brides and grooms are included as Amazon Prime items, so members will receive them within 2 days of ordering.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Adam Cunningham of Underwood, Iowa, “when I picked my bride from the dozens offered by Amazon, she arrived safely packaged on my doorstep, only two days after I placed my order! And I should mention, the electric shaver I ordered at the same time was also in the box.”

Amazon states that returns on brides and grooms are free. All one must do is print out the return label and squish their Amazon spouse back into a box and bring him (or her) to the nearest post office. Amazon does stress the importance of punching air holes in the box. (Deceased brides and grooms are generally frowned upon.) Once your return is received, your account is credited, and you are free to choose another spouse.

Many Human Rights organizations find Amazon’s Family Department an appalling addition to its electronic commerce.

“These brides and grooms are bought by complete strangers. They’re wrapped in bubble wrap, packed in a box and shipped. And not just any kind of shipped -Amazon Prime shipped. You can only imagine how rough that is! I bet they’re tossed around like an old football,” said Lisa Gustov, spokesperson for Help The People Amnesty Group, when interviewed.

But Amazon assures the brides and grooms being sold volunteer for this arrangement.

“These people are completely on board with this! We don’t pick strangers randomly off the street. Since our Family Department started, we have received tons of requests from people who would like to be happily married to complete strangers who chose them off the internet.” An Amazon spokesperson said on the condition of anonymity.

But it’s not always love at first sight. Often, the buyer has high expectations based on the photograph Amazon displayed on its website. Additionally, spending forty-eight hours in a cardboard box does not bode well for the person being purchased. Bobby and Shauna Jackson had a rough start to their romance.

“When I picked Bobby from Amazon’s website? He was gorgeous, like Abercrombie and Fitch modeling gorgeous. But what did I get? Some weirdo who ate the bag of Snyders pretzels I had also ordered. I got a weirdo and a bag of pretzel crumbs.” said Shauna Jackson.

“What’d she expect? Did she think someone who is really handsome would sell himself on Amazon? Plus, I forgot to eat before Amazon’s distribution warehouse rolled me up in bubble wrap and folded me in the box. I was starving. That bag of pretzels packed next to me was pure torture.” Bobby Jackson said.

The Jackson’s toughed it out, with Shauna deciding to keep Bobby since he could fix the transmission on her 1998 Hyundai Elantra.

“Even though returns are free and all that, I’d still have to pack him up and haul him to the post office. And the guy weighs a ton.” Shauna said.

The Underground Writer Reporting

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Kale Causes Cancer

Kale causes cancer. Well, not yet. But it will. It’s only a matter of time before a national study reveals that this esteemed leafy green vegetable is wreaking havoc on our bodies. Just look at fish! For decades we have been told to “eat more fish!”, “fish is good for you!”, “fish has healthy oils for your brain!” Then along comes this pesky neurotoxin called mercury – which has apparently infested our fish.

It’ll be no surprise when kale is considered deadly. First, it has a rough, rubbery texture, which is nature’s way of saying, “hands off!” Second, it’s bitter. An acquired taste? Or similar to the bad taste that bugs excrete to keep predators from devouring them? Lastly, it has an ornamental look to it, implying it should surround our steak and potatoes, not be in lieu of them.

People are very proud when they eat kale, as though they have just saved someone from drowning. Smoothie establishments offer drink concoctions that contain kale as a main ingredient. Women – wearing yoga pants – brandish these smoothies in their hands, feeling good about themselves, when in reality it looks like they are drinking the contents of someones’s stomach after an intestinal virus. These smoothies also contain a variety of other fruits and vegetables, which are supposed to add to the smoothies’ nutritional content. But we all know what is really going on: they’re just trying to cover up the taste of the kale.

Facebook and Pinterest are full of kale recipes. Soon there will be kale coffee and kale cupcakes. That is, until it is announced that kale causes cancer. Then everyone will breathe a sigh of relief and admit they never liked the vegetable, that they always found it bitter and disgusting – how they pretended to like it because it was cool. They never should have dressed little Sophia up as a kale leaf for Halloween, or made Simon eat dried kale chips for snack everyday.

Support groups will form, and not because kale has given so many people cancer, but because there is now a vacant spot – a rift – in their lives.

“It’s that feeling I miss … the pride of having something so healthy in my grocery cart. Nothing quite matches the euphoria of another grocery shopper glancing at my groceries and seeing my kale, while they were buying nothing but cheese doodles and soda.”

“Mmmm … I hear what you’re saying. And how about you, Sue? What are you feeling right now?”

“It made me feel smart. Like, I was playing a trick on someone. Why else would I eat something so awful? But I knew it was supposed to be good for me. So I ate it. But without kale, I’m just boring. I’m like everyone else.”

“Those are very strong feelings, Sue. Thank you for sharing them. How about you, Stephanie?”

“I’m really regretting naming my daughter Kale. I should have gone with Emma.”

People will wander around the produce section of grocery stores. Spinach may gain some new attention, like an ex girlfriend who suddenly seems appealing again. Others may briefly try broccolini, only to find it’s been around too long, they’re familiar with its taste, it doesn’t feel like it’s doing anything.

In time, another vegetable will be heralded as the “nutrient packed”, “immune-boosting”, “cancer fighting” food that kale was once considered to be (before it was discovered that it causes cancer). Everyone will breathe a sigh of relief and rush to ingest that plant. Until, of course, it is announced it causes heart disease.

How This Family Paid Off Debt Using Unusual Tactics.

It seems the media is full of impressive testimonies on how couples paid off debt by tightening their financial belts. But none of these tales come close to matching the hardship and ingenuity of Brad and Angie Dickerson, of  Parsimony, New Jersey.

The Dickerson family knew they were in trouble when they no longer had money at the end of the month to pay the mortgage on their 4,000 square foot home.

“It was rather alarming,” Angie said, “I’m not sure how it happened. Brad and I have always been frugal.”

The Dickersons point to how they chose the base model Porsche Cayenne, skipping certain luxuries so the ticket price would hover around $60,000.

“And restaurants? We never use valet parking. We park our own car and walk. Even in the winter,” said Brad.

But desperate times call for desperate measures. The Dickersons knew their credit score would be squashed if their lifestyle continued. So they cut back.

“The first thing we did,” Brad stated, “was sell our house. Got rid of that pesky mortgage for once and for all. The only problem, though, was that we realized after the closing, we didn’t have anywhere to go.”

The Dickersons went to the nearest homeless shelter, where they were warmly welcomed.

“We were each given a cot, so we pushed them together to make our own queen sized bed.” Angie said, “it was romantic, in a depressing sort of way.”

The next step? Unloading the Porsche and Angie’s BMW. The Dickersons soon found themselves in a quandary: they had no way to work now that their vehicles were sold. The Dickersons brainstormed and decided to try public transportation. But there was a problem.

“Do you know you have to pay for public transportation?” Brad was incredulous, “have you ever been on those buses? Why would anyone pay to ride those things?”

The Dickersons went back to the drawing board. They decided to rely on friends and family.

“I started asking friends for rides to work, or asking to borrow their car,” stated Angie.

Cell phones, with hefty service plans, were another financial drain on the Dickersons. They quickly cashed those in and now communicate through the use of Native American smoke signals.

“It is inconvenient,” Brad admitted, “especially when I’m in a meeting and see Angie signaling me. I’ll have to excuse myself and go outside to answer her.”

Food bills are no longer an issue for the Dickersons. The homeless shelter provides free breakfast, and most churches offer lunches and dinners.

“It requires a lot of networking,” Angie admits, “the Methodists are fond of baked hams on Tuesdays, while the Protestants? Turkeys on Thursdays. Non-denominationals are anybody’s guess.”

But there are certain things the Dickersons can not part with, such as their Hyannis beach house and membership to the Tennis Club.

“I mean, come on,” said Angie, “we may be thrifty now, but we’re not stupid.”

 

The Underground Writer Reporting

 

Fly the Unfriendly Skies

Last week, JetBlue Airlines announced they will no longer offer free checked baggage for their passengers. To add insult to injury, the frugal airline has also decided to add fifteen additional seats to their Airbus A320 planes resulting in less legroom. (See Forbes.)

Following suit, other airlines have decided to make cutbacks to get out of the red. In order to save costs on fuel, EconoJet Airlines is now using a large sling-shot to send their planes soaring.

“Take off can feel a bit … treacherous,” said Humphrey Garret, CEO of EconoJet. “But I assure passengers the sling-shot is mighty strong, and will get you in the general area of your destination.”

McAir Airways has decided to do away with landing costs – those pesky fees required by airports to use their runways. Instead of landing their planes, McAir passengers will need to parachute out.

“But please remember it’s B.Y.O.P (Bring Your Own Parachute),” Linda McFadden, President and CEO of McAir Airlines stated, “McAir is not responsible for providing passengers with parachutes. When we needed to make some cutbacks, landing fees and parachutes were included. These were difficult, but necessary cuts.”

McAir recommends all passengers pack lightly as heavy suitcases can be quite burdensome when parachuting. (And yes, there are still baggage fees.)

Another cost cutting method used by some airlines is reducing unnecessary safety equipment. Payless Planes has removed all seat bealts from their aircrafts.

“When you’re plunging thirty thousand feet from the sky in a fiery ball, what’s a seat belt really going to do? Upon the realization that seat belts do nothing in the case of an airline crash, we decided to include them in our cost cutting,” said Michael DeAngelo, Chief Financial Officer of Payless Planes.

But after much deliberation, Payless Planes has decided to not only do away with seat belts, but seats entirely. Passengers now sit on benches, hanging onto handles, subway style.

“I have certainly been on more comfortable flights,” Timothy Blummert of Irvine, California said, “but at least with this airline, I know we’re actually landing on a runway … if we land.”

Other airlines have decided to keep fuel, seats and the usage of airports, but have simply done away with flight crew. Fly-Mart recently announced they have laid off all flight attendants. Vending machines and self-serve coffee makers have replaced the smiling flight attendants of the past.

“It was a bit strange at first,” Macy Wallace of Des Moine, Iowa said when interviewed, “There was a line all the way down the aisle for the vending machine. When one guy’s Snickers bar got stuck, he got real mad and started shaking the machine and rocking it. I thought we were gonna crash! But other than that, it worked out alright.”

**The Underground Writer Reporting**

Have No Fear, Toilet Paper Is Here!

Are you panicking? According to the media, we are only one step away from being mysteriously infected with Ebola tainted bodily fluids. If not sickened with this hemorrhagic disease, then an ISIS terrorist lurking in our hedges could be the cause of our demise. Yet, if we manage to survive these tragedies, we are still left to grapple with the horrendous U2 album iTunes downloaded on our iPhones.

It’s enough to drive anyone off the deep end. How are you coping? At first, I was a mess. I was losing sleep. I was up all night, pacing the floors (while periodically checking my forehead for a fever and my body for bleeding – the telltale symptoms of Ebola). Every few minutes I would peek out behind my curtains for an ISIS member prowling the neighborhood. Until I had to use the bathroom. Then all my fears and anxieties came to a screeching halt.

The bathroom? You say. Yes. The bathroom. Charmin toilet paper now comes scented. That’s right! This bath tissue smells like chamomile.

 

There I was, worrying about coming into contact with the body secretions of an Ebola patient while I’m at the airport when suddenly, I felt so … relaxed! I wasn’t exactly sure what the source of this new found serenity was, until I realized it was coming from my toilet paper! Ebola what? ISIS who? By Charmin simply adding a fragrance to their toilet paper, my life has suddenly become easier. Thank you, Charmin!

The problem is, the scent is so lovely that I don’t want to use it for its intended purpose. Instead, I place the rolls around my home in lieu of potpourri.

When company arrives, they sniff the air.

“What is that beguiling scent?”

“Oh, that,” I say modestly, “that’s just my chamomile scented toilet paper.”

“I’m kind of embarrassed,” one friend admitted, “your bath tissue smelled so divine, like … flowers, I just couldn’t bring myself to use it. Do you have anything else?”

“I don’t blame you,” I say, “and you can actually remove that roll and put it right on the shoe rack in my hall closet.”

Now, my hall closet is infused with the scent of chamomile.

Whenever I feel tense, I now have to whip out a roll of chamomile scented toilet paper and take a nice, long sniff in order to calm myself.

Ahhhhhh! So what if I’m late for my appointment?

Perfume? Shmerfume! Why would I choose to wear perfume when all I need is one roll of scented toilet paper? I stick a roll in my purse and out the door I go, the aroma of chamomile scented bath tissue trailing behind.

“Excuse me,” says the woman in the store, “do you know you have toilet paper hanging out of your purse?”

“Oh, yes! And this isn’t just any toilet paper. This is Charmin’s chamomile scented toilet paper.”

“Scented toilet paper? Now they scent toilet paper? When we go and wipe our -“

“But doesn’t it smell lovely?”

“I don’t care what it smells like! Toilet paper isn’t supposed to smell, period. That stuff isn’t for smelling! It’s for wiping!”

And like that, the magic is gone. While driving home, I sniff the roll of Charmin but instead of calm all I hear is the woman’s voice saying, “It’s for wiping!”

That night, I’m back up, pacing the floors, wondering if the CDC will create an Ebola vaccine since two people in our country now have the virus. However, if they do quickly make a vaccine, will the vaccine be safe? Sadly, I am no longer calmed by my toilet paper. I realize Charmin’s chamomile scented toilet tissue is simply toilet paper that smells weird.

**Author’s Note: The toilet paper rolls used in these photographs are not actual Charmin products, nor are they affiliated with Charmin. Any resemblance to Charmin chamomile scented toilet paper is purely coincidental, because why would anyone want to use scented toilet paper??** 

As President …

President Underground Writer: I sit before you today as the forty-fifth President of the United States of America. Members of Congress and Senators, I look forward to working together in unity as we face and successfully address the daunting issues that stand before us all.

Congresswoman Liza Lott: We look forward to working with you as well, President Underground Writer.

President Underground Writer: Why, thank you, Representative Liza Lott. Okay, first things first. The most pressing issue I feel this country needs is a Silver Head Lane. This will be shovel-ready, putting thousands upon thousands of unemployed people to work –

Senator Les Abel: Um … excuse me, President Underground Writer, but what exactly do you mean by “Silver Head Lane?”

President Underground Writer: A traffic lane devoted solely for silver heads, of course. What do you think it means?

Senator Les Abel: A traffic lane devoted solely for silver heads? You mean, old people?

President Underground Writer: Sure. They would have their own lane. Like truckers have on the Jersey Turnpike. Just think of it! Their own lane, where they can dawdle safely, unharassed by people tailgating them. Then the rest of society can get to their destinations on time.

Congressman Ernest Lee Cheating: President Underground Writer, not only does that sound discriminatory, but it also would be extraordinarily expensive. Also, I don’t remember you saying anything about this Silver Head Lane during your campaign for office.

President Underground Writer: Well, sure I did! Didn’t you listen to those annoying prerecorded robocalls that called your house every night? Or what about the dozens of flyers that filled your mailbox every day? Both of those stated I had a plan to improve our country’s infrastructure.

Congresswoman Liza Lott: Wait. Your plan to improve our country’s infrastructure was by building Silver Head Lanes? How come no one knew this? (Looks around room.)

President Underground Writer: I may have been a little vague. Okay, next on my agenda to help this country is texting.  I want a federal law that will make texting while driving a criminal offense.

Senator Les Abel: A criminal offense? That seems a bit much. I mean, haven’t you ever texted while driving?

President Underground Writer: I can’t recall.

Congressman Ernest Lee Cheating: You can’t recall? Did you, or did you not text while driving?

President Underground Writer: I may have typed some words, but I never actually sent the text. Therefore, it doesn’t count as a text since it was never sent. Okay. Transportation has been addressed. Now, last on my agenda before I leave for Camp David –

Congresswoman Liza Lott: Leave for Camp David? But it’s your first day in office!

President Underground Writer: … is to get rid of Columbus Day. Wasn’t Christopher Columbus a big, fat jerk?

Senator Les Abel: A big fat jerk?

President Underground Writer: Yes. Didn’t he lop off the hands of people? And he never actually discovered the United States. He just bumped into the Caribbean with that old fashioned boat of his. And even then he thought it was India. Some explorer he was!

Congresswoman Liza Lott: So, you would like to abolish the federal holiday altogether?

President Underground Writer: Not get rid of it, exactly. More like tweak it, so we can acknowledge another explorer. Like … Juan Ponce de Leon.

Senator Les Abel: Ponce de Leon … didn’t he discover Florida while searching for the fountain of youth? Why should we have a federal holiday named after him?

President Underground Writer: Since this county esteems youth so much. Look at all the anti-wrinkle creams out there. Instead of Columbus Day, it should be Ponce de Leon Day. That would be more fitting with our country’s values. Now, let’s see … I addressed transportation, infrastructure and a federal holiday. I think that does it for today. If there’s an emergency, I can be reached at Camp David.

Senator Les Abel (rubbing his temples): President Underground Writer –

President Underground Writer: Oh! That reminds me. I would like to be addressed as “Your Majesty.” How come Great Britain gets the Queens and Princes? Huh? That’s just not fair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is It Cancer?

You notice a pain in your left elbow. Now that you think about it, the pain has actually been there for a few days. Maybe even weeks. You don’t remember hitting your elbow, or doing anything to injure it. What could be going on?

You Google “pain in left elbow” during your lunch break. The selection of websites that flash on your computer screen are overwhelming. You had no idea the subject of elbow pain was so important. You click on a link, one that has the word “medicine” in its web address. According to this website, your elbow pain could be due to anything from bumping your elbow, to arthritis, to cancer.

Cancer? Your fingers freeze, suspended over the keyboard. You are absolutely certain you did not bump your elbow. In fact, now that you think about it, you’re very careful with your elbows: tucking them in when you walk through doorways, never resting your hands on your hips so your elbows aren’t protruding like wings. And arthritis? Bah! Just yesterday you carried a laundry basket overflowing with dirty clothes up the stairs and never broke a sweat. You’re in your prime.

It must be cancer. You can’t recall anyone in your family history battling elbow cancer, but isn’t everyone getting cancer these days? Because of the food we’re eating … or not eating. And doesn’t cancer spread? You sit back in your chair. Maybe your elbow cancer has spread to your shoulder and now you have shoulder cancer. All at once your left shoulder seems achy.

You need to have this elbow (and now shoulder) examined immediately. You call your doctor to schedule an appointment. After listening to the options in the prerecorded message, you accidentally hit the wrong option and get the medical records department instead of the scheduling department. The medical records person transfers you, only you’re disconnected and need to call back and start all over again.

After choosing the correct option you are put on hold, though a friendly recorded voice reassures you that your call is very important to them. (So important that you are made to wait several minutes.) Finally, your call is answered. You inform the receptionist that you need to see your doctor as soon as possible for serious elbow pain. She tells you that your doctor’s schedule is booked. You feel that making an appointment with your doctor is some sort of race and you have lost.

The receptionist manages to “squeeze” you into your doctor’s busy schedule, making it sound as if it’s a favor and you should be grateful. You are, because since you’ve been on hold your elbow pain has grown worse.

The two weeks until you see your doctor seem endless. Mentally, you have decided who will inherit your most valuable assest. You wonder if you should make amends with the cranky neighbor you haven’t spoken to for three years. Or better yet, wait until he reads your obituary. How you died from elbow cancer. Won’t he feel bad then!

When you finally see your doctor, he seems rushed.  You remind yourself that you were inconveniently fit into his schedule, after all.

“Does it hurt when I do this?” he asks, bending your arm at a ninety degree angle.

“No,” you say sheepishly.

But it had hurt when you did this same movement five hundred times the past two weeks to verify if the pain was still there.

“How about when I do this?” he asks, moving your arm in a different direction.

“That’s okay too.”

“Everything seems alright to me. I don’t see anything to be concerned with. Maybe you just whacked it.”

“I’m certain I didn’t hit it,” you say.

But he’s not listening. He has written in your chart and left the room to see a patient who was not squeezed into his schedule.

That night you tell your friend about your elbow pain, and how you fear it is cancer that has now spread to your brain. She commiserates, and recommends you see her doctor. But her doctor is a holistic doctor, not a medical doctor.

Your friend’s holistic doctor answers the phone on the first ring. Not only are there no phone trees or being put on hold, the holistic doctor will see you first thing in the morning. When you arrive at her office, there is music playing. She smells of patchouli oil. The holistic doctor takes your elbow pain very, very seriously. She explains that discomfort in any part of the body indicates inner pain … as well as a deficiency of vitamins and minerals.

When you leave her office, you have spent two hundred dollars on a monthly supply of vitamins and minerals. You have also bought a manual that will guide you towards inner peace, and a packet of tea bags whose name you can’t pronounce. The holistic doctor promises that, in time, these will heal your elbow and shoulder pain.

As you drive to work, you think about your elbow and how it used to not hurt. Then suddenly you realize it is no longer hurting, as you remember hitting it on the banister while you were carrying that load of dirty laundry up the stairs, without breaking a sweat.

 

A Strange, New Form of Home Security

Residents across the nation have turned to a new type of home security: surprise parties. As with many inventions, the creation of Surprise Party Theft Deterrent was accidental. John and Linda Sandford of Marietta, Georgia hosted a family birthday party for their four year old daughter. That night, an intruder broke into their home.

“I thought I heard someone,” Sandford said when interviewed, “and when I went downstairs to investigate, there was a man standing in our living room! The bizarre thing was, he saw all the party decorations that were left up from my daughter’s birthday party and he thought they were for him! He forgot all about stealing our stuff.”

The Sandfords proceeded to wake up their children and defrost leftover birthday cake.

“It turned into one big, happy event,” Sandford said, “we decided to leave the decorations up in case it happens again.”

Initially, police were skeptical of this rather unorthodox home security system.

“Honestly? I thought they were all a bunch of nut jobs,” Lieutenant David Jefferson of the Los Angeles Police Department said, “but then I heard it started working. Don’t get me wrong – I still recommend a traditional home security system over this surprise party thing.”

Surprise Party Theft Deterrent can also be a rewarding experience. The Sanfords formed a relationship with their home invader and have since invited him to family dinners and holiday gatherings. Aside from a missing laptop and some “misplaced” silver, their home intruder is like a member of their family.

“Sure, we don’t leave him alone near the checkbook .. or let him borrow the car … but he’s like family to us!” Sandford states.

One criticism of Surprise Party Theft Deterrents is the possibility of the home intruder being armed with a deadly weapon – and using this weapon if startled by the surprise party.

“I’d be lying if I said the thought didn’t cross my mind every time I crouched behind the sofa, waiting to jump up and yell, ‘Surprise!'” Peter Anderson of Mesa, Arizona confessed, “but it’s a chance I’m willing to take.”

“Especially when you see the look of astonishment on their face,” Esther Anderson chimed in, “why, after a rash of break-ins in our neighborhood, one intruder started to cry when he climbed through our den window and was welcomed with noisemakers and Peter and I yelling, ‘Surprise!’ He said no one had ever thrown him a surprise party before.”

While the expense of maintaining traditional home security systems can be what drives some people to use surprise parties as theft deterrents, others do so for different reasons.

“Personally, I find home security systems a bit … alarming with their obnoxious sirens. It could easily disrupt an individuals inner chi.” said Destiny Light of Woodstock, New York.

Surprise parties were the perfect solution for Light – even though crime is rare in her neighborhood.

“Never the less, it is simply delightful to have my kitchen decorated for a birthday party every day, said Light.

There are some downsides with Surprise Party Theft Deterrent. Having your house decorated for a birthday party year round can be a hassle. It’s also confusing for children.

“Every morning when my son woke up, he kept thinking it was his birthday,” Heather Burns of Grand Rapids, Michigan said, “and when it finally was his birthday, well, the birthday decorations didn’t excite him anymore.”

Sagging crepe paper and deflating balloons can not only be a nuisance, but also an additional expense. But not nearly as much as the monthly fees charged by home security services.

Reactions of home intruders to this new form of theft deterrent vary.

“At first, I be like, ‘whats that?” Larry Johnson of Southtown, Illinois said when interviewed in the Greater Illinois Detention Center, “they all be going, “Surprise and sh-t! I there to rob a house, ya’ll. If I wanted a party, I’d go to a party! So I say, “Gimme that flat-screen! Gimme that Macbook!”

The result?

“The old lady? She starts bawling. She starts saying, “He was supposed to like the party.” What do I look like? A four year old? Like I say, If I wanted a party, I’d go to a party. I there to get stuff!”

Andrew Anderson  had a different response.

“I loved it! When I pried open that screen, and climbed through that window, and there was a party waiting for me? And not the police? I’d have to be crazy not to like that family.”

Party City stocks have soared since the introduction of Surprise Party Theft Deterrents.

 

The Underground Writer Reporting

 

What Dogs Think About Humans

“I’m a bit concerned,” she said.

The dogs sat on the couch. Talking dogs. Seriously. I had been asked to interview four talking dogs on a rather delicate subject matter. They wanted their voice (non-barking) heard, and they thought my blog would be the best venue. (Who knew canines read The Underground Writer? Who knew, for that matter, dogs could read?!)

“About what?” I ask.

Daisy is a mixed-breed. A cross between a Boxer and Pittbull. She shakes her head – her dog tags clicking together.

“My humans. My owners. They’re … getting … strange.”

“Not mine!” the Golden Retriever interjects, “my humans are the best.”

“Well, of course you would think so. You think everyone is the best. All Goldens do.”

The Golden Retriever is suddenly distracted, his snout raised in the air, sniffing.

“Do you smell bacon?” he asks.

Daisy raises a furry eyebrow at me and leans forward, her front paws sliding on the slipcover.

“As I was saying … my humans adopted me from the animal shelter, which was great! I love them, really, I do. But now … but now they’re acting like they’ve saved the world! All over their minivan are bumper stickers that read ‘Rescue Dog Mom’ and ‘I Rescued My Fur Baby’ and ‘Don’t Breed – Adopt.’ As though taking me into their home has made them better people.”

Daisy glances at Trixie – a Yorkie who has started gnawing on an old running shoe.

“Then there are my humans,” Ace – a Siberian Husky – says. “Bought me from a breeder. Paid a fortune, I might add. Now it’s like I’m their kid. I have to go in their car all of the time. They call it ‘car rides.’  They’re always taking my picture with them. ‘Smile Ace!’ they say, ‘smile for the selfie!’ Apparently I even have my own Facebook page – whatever THAT means.”

“I love going for car rides!” says the Golden Retriever, “My humans have a bumper sticker that says their dog is smarter than your honor student … what does that mean?”

“So what exactly is the problem?” I ask, “Daisy, you would rather have been left in the animal shelter? And Ace? You have a problem with being so loved?”

The dogs (except for the Golden Retriever, that is now licking his genitals) all shake their heads.

“I told them not to hire The Underground Writer for this!” Daisy hisses.

“You’re right,” Ace whispers, “she is a little slow.”

“The problem,” Trixie says, after she has swallowed a tattered shoelace she managed to dislodge from the running shoe, “is how the humans view us. My great grandpa Oscar used to tell me about sleeping outside on the back porch, or eating table scraps. Now I sleep on some fancy thing called a ‘dog settee’, and my human buys me organic dog food.”

“Speaking of food,” Ace interrupts, “have you seen what they feed us? What happened to meat? I like to eat out of the garbage can whenever I get the chance.  And if it’s really smelly, I like to roll in it. Now, my humans feed me froufrou stuff they think will taste good.”

As if to prove his point, Ace nods towards the packages lined up on the table next to the couch.

“Pumpkin and Berry flavor? Gluten free? I just want a bone with some ham still on it!” Ace starts to drool, his saliva forming little pools on the slipcover that is now coated with dog hair.

“What’s with the vanilla sandwich cremes? I’m a dog for crying out loud! And apple cinnamon flavor biscuits?” Daisy asks, “why can’t they make stinky fish flavored biscuits? Or steak flavored?”

“Ohhhh! I LOVE stinky fish!” the Golden Retriever sighs.

“It’s like … humans are trying to make us human,” Trixie says.

“Human are trying to make dogs … human?” I repeat.

“Yes!” Trixie, Ace and Daisy say in unison.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Trixie continues, “I do love my humans, especially the kids. But sometimes I think the adults forget that I’m a dog.”

“Just look at the picture my human bought.” Daisy turns and looks at the picture hanging on the wall behind her.

“I think that’s great,” the Golden Retriever says. He is scratching his left ear with his hind paw. “I can’t wait to teach my humans how to fetch, and sniff stranger’s crotches, and beg for apple cinnamon flavored biscuits.”

Daisy, Ace and Trixie exchange looks.

“Exactly.”

 

Photo Credits:

Froufrou Dog Treats – Underground Writer venturing into the crowded pet food aisle of local store.

“Everything I Learned In Life…” picture: Google Images/Etsy.com

Gays Banned From Celebrating National Event in Ohio

Closely following the wake of gay and lesbian groups being banned from marching in the New York City and Boston St. Patrick’s Day parade, gays have faced another setback: they are not allowed to participate in Brunson, Ohio’s annual celebration of National Welding Month.

“Everyone knows that April is National Welding Month, and here in Brunson, Ohio, this is a celebratory event. It is also a family affair,” Hester Oleger, chair organizer for the National Welding Month festivities, stated. “And here in Brunson, we have traditional values.”

Activities at the National Welding Month Celebration include the opportunity to try your hand at welding (it’s B.Y.O.W.G. – Bring Your Own Welding Gear), an aggressive game of musical chairs, as well as a contest original to Brunson: The Miss Weldie Beauty Pageant, where young Brunson gals strut around in flame proof skull caps with safety shields and fire resistant aprons, and are voted who is the most attractive. (The winner receives a pair of safety goggles.) While munching on refreshments of graham crackers and sipping apple juice, guests will enjoy music performed by a harmonica quartet called “Harmonicas in Harmony.” Lastly, a riveting sock puppet show educates party goers on the history of welding. (Socks catching on fire is not uncommon during the welding reenactment and has been rumored to be the main reason people attend the celebration in the first place.)

Traditionally, the turnout to Brunson’s National Welding Day extravaganza is minimal. While the gay population isn’t known for attending this celebration for welding, Oleger and others want to be on the offensive.

“We wanted to make a public statement that just like the St. Patty’s Day Parade – if you’re openly gay – don’t come. This is a day to celebrate welding, not draw attention to being gay. You can be quietly gay – just not loud about it,” said Oleger.

And what exactly is quietly gay?

“You know, just like, walk far away from each other … or don’t act like you love each other or anything. And God forbid! Don’t bring your children! We don’t want their children here having fun! Again, we’re about traditional family values.”

As expected, the National Welding Month celebration’s ban on openly gay couples has caused outrage.

“Everyone should be invited to everything,” said Jessica Bright, chief spokeswoman for Everyone Is Invited Union, an offshoot of the American Civil Liberties Union. “It’s outrageous that openly gay couples can not participate in Brunson’s celebration of welding. Completely unacceptable! They miss out on the Weldie Beauty Pageant! And sock puppet show! All because they’re gay?”

Bright is working toward a civil lawsuit – after she has finished organizing protests and picket lines outside of the Brunson’s American Legion Building, where the welding celebration will be held.

When gay couples were interviewed about the ban on their attending Brunson’s welding festivities, the response was unanimous.

“Like I would ever want go to that,” Mark Holdsburg said when interviewed, “a welding contest? Are they for real?”

“Welding? Can it get any more boring?” said his partner, Adam London, “please. Thank you for banning us!”

– Underground Writer Reporting