Confessions

“My boyfriend is married,” the woman sitting next to me said.

I twisted in my seat and surveyed the room. Had I walked into the wrong workshop? I thought I was in How To Become A Published Author – not Confessors Anonymous.

“And I wrote a children’s book,” she continued.

So I was in the right room! I turned and faced the woman.

“Um … how interesting,” I said before staring straight ahead – praying she wouldn’t continue the conversation.

For whatever reason, people tend to confess to me and my husband. We’re not sure why this occurs, exactly. We don’t look like priests, or interrogators. Or therapists. Yet, there have been several incidents where complete strangers share rather personal information with us. And it’s not your run-of-the-mill too much information that we’re all accustomed to. (Coworkers sharing their recent bowel woes; a woman standing behind you at the grocery store rattling off what she is making for dinner; the man waiting for his sandwich at the deli telling you why he hates a certain political party.) No, we’re talking confessions.

“So … I got an executive massage,” the man installing our furnace told my husband when he had gone into the basement to see how the installation was progressing.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. It’s right off Exit 7. They give executive massages. Know what that is?”

“Uh … I have an idea,” my husband said, “So … can I get you anything to drink?”

“Nah, I’m fine. I brought a bottle of water. But I love going to that massage place.”

Why on earth would this complete stranger tell my husband such a thing?  (For those of you who don’t know what an Executive Massage is, let’s just say it’s illegal in most states. Including the state where Exit 7 is located.)

I wish I could say my husband and I look like really nice people who love to listen to others, and that is why random people tell us rather lurid secrets. But that’s certainly not the case. If these were supposed to be serendipitous moments, my husband and I ruined our chances of helping these people. In fact, I scooted my chair several inches away from the Home Wrecking Children’s Book Author. Likewise, my husband didn’t exactly seize the moment to provide much needed advice to this man who confessed to frequenting an underground prostitution ring. In fact, my husband didn’t venture into the basement again until the furnace installation was complete.

Could it have been fate? Well, if it were, I quote Lemony Snicket: “Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.”

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21 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. HaHa, this happens to me all time time! My kids always crack up as there I’ll be minding my own business and then some woman in the popcorn line at the movies is suddenly telling me how her husband used to beat her. I’m always awkward, don’t know what to say. Apparently I’m not as smart as you because the people keep going. Next thing you know I have their whole life story when all I wanted was popcorn. I get a sense these people must be pretty lonely to be reaching out to complete strangers!

  2. This reminds me of when our lawn guy told me of the affair he had with a stripper…and then ended up getting divorced and is now living with the stripper!! I guess I have that same gene that makes random people talk to me too!! Must be our sweet innocent faces! 😉😍

  3. Hahahaha.. You and the hubby can’t let the crazies take over. The idea here is to look them in the eyes when they start confessing and take what they say and trump it. Be outlandish and make up some wild unbeatable story that they look at you and turn around. Only bad thing about it is they will begin to feel normal or as if you are the crazy one and their issue isn’t that bad. But hey, that’s the price you pay for some peace and quiet and to end the conversation. 🙂 Side note: just make sure whatever story you come up with isn’t incriminating. Hehe.

      • Yeah!! But gotta be a bit more extreme and no big words.. Crazies are confused easy and will tend to ask more questions.. Say you have a husband and a boyfriend.. And you caught your husband’s stepson checking you out and you might give him something to look at because he is looking better and better. Then follow up with some loud obnoxious laugh and a knee slap.. And I bet they will move away from you or turn around Lolol.

      • “Crazies are confused easily and will tend to ask more questions.” That is very professional sounding (aside for the “crazies” reference). That made me laugh the most! Your comments are always entertaining. Thank you so much for following along and commenting!

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